Rethink: How to flip the guilt trip

On unhealthy expectations, false guilt and the power of a ‘to-don’t’ list

Dear Rethinkers,

All around me, I see people struggling with guilt: a nagging pressure that we’re not doing enough or are falling short on something or someone important to us. That’s why this week we’re rethinking guilt — the type of guilt that surfaces, even when we’ve done nothing wrong.

Two questions have intrigued me:

1. How can we break the cycle of guilt?

2. Can guilt ever be useful and adaptive?

Flip the guilt trip

Guilt shows up in lots of different ways, on an almost-daily basis for many of us. It’s that nagging, self-punishing feeling that can surface over just about anything.

• Am I working too hard? Or not enough?

• Am I doing enough on rights issues, climate change, or for the community?

• Have I called my friend or family member lately?

• Am I present enough for my family?

Guilt is a different version of the same narrative: I’m not a good enough parent, partner, citizen, friend, pet owner, colleague…

So, why does guilt often feel deeply uncomfortable?

I love this description of guilt by Libby Copeland in a great piece in The Atlantic:

“It’s the emotional equivalent of wearing a jacket weighted with stones.”

I’ve always thought of guilt as a type of shame attached to the stories we tell ourselves. It’s a belief that stems from thinking:

• We’re not doing enough

• We’re not prioritising the right things

• We’ve been given more than we’re entitled to.

Guilt says, “I owe ___.”

Read on to find out how a ‘to-don’t’ list is a powerful weapon against guilt…