The fascinating secret to self-control

Why self-control isn’t about willpower — it’s about trust

Dear Rethinkers,

What comes to mind when you think of “self-control”? I think of something tempting being put in front of me and having the willpower to resist.

There is a tension between something you immediately want and a longer-term potential gain. That ‘want’ might be anything – a hot gooey chocolate dessert, a new pair of running shoes or an exciting business opportunity. Self-control often involves avoiding “shiny toy syndrome” – the intense but temporary sense of satisfaction you get from enjoying the latest or most immediate thing in front of you before moving on to something else.

The myth of the marshmallow experiment

An iconic image that has become synonymous with temptation and self-control is the famous Marshmallow Experiment led by renowned psychologist Walter Mischel over 60 years ago. For decades, the narrative around the test in delayed-satisfaction was said to reveal how successfully the child would perform in all aspects of life – from school grades to relationships to even body mass index (BMI). That’s a lot of clues from one little fluffy marshmallow. If you drank the kool-aid of this narrative, you're not alone. But it turns out, it’s not entirely true.

When I understood the other frame around this experiment, it changed how I see a lot of things. Let me share my learnings with you…